1. Name: The name I would call you when I'm delighted with you.

2. How old are you? Chronologically. Maturity will be assessed during the oral exam.

3. Phone: I may actually call. Brace yourself.

4. Email Address: Love letters and interview invitations will be forwarded here.

5. Where do you live? City and state will suffice. I am not sending a search party. Yet.

6. Are you currently single? And by single, I mean actually single. Not 'it's complicated,' 'we're basically separated,' or 'my wife doesn't understand me.'

7. What makes you laugh so hard you can barely breathe? Specific examples where you snort or pee a little earn bonus points.

8. What is the kindest thing you've ever done for someone who couldn't repay you? Bragging is permitted for this question.

9. What do you find most irresistible about a woman? You may be as romantic, ridiculous, or revealing as you wish.

10. Can you handle a woman who writes about sex, God, marriage, masculinity, and blow jobs—sometimes in the same paragraph?

11. What would your ideal Sunday morning together look like? There are no wrong answers, although coffee and affection are promising.

12. When you disagree with someone you love, what do you do? This is where the interview gets serious for approximately thirty seconds.

13. What does loyalty mean to you? And what would make you feel deeply cherished in a marriage?

14. Are you comfortable with a woman who is affectionate, outspoken, playful, and occasionally outrageous? Think carefully. There may be sequels.

15. Why do you think you might be my future husband? You have the floor, sir. Make me smile.

16. Is there anything else you would like your future wife to know? This is your opportunity to be magnificent.