Divorce is one of the most difficult life transitions a family can face, especially when children are involved. While adults grapple with the emotional, financial, and logistical complexities of separation, children often experience confusion, fear, sadness, and even guilt. The way parents handle the divorce process can significantly influence a child’s ability to adjust, heal, and thrive.

Marriage and Family Therapists (MFTs), trained to address relational dynamics and family systems, play a critical role in helping families navigate this life change. In this article, we’ll explore what MFTs want parents to know about helping their children cope with divorce, including common emotional responses, therapeutic strategies, co-parenting advice, and long-term support.

Understanding the Impact of Divorce on Children

Emotional Reactions Vary by Age

Children of different ages respond to divorce in unique ways:

Young Children (3–5 years old): May struggle to understand what’s happening and worry about abandonment. Common behaviors include regression (e.g., bedwetting), clinginess, or tantrums.
School-Age Children (6–12 years old): May feel sadness, anger, or blame themselves for the separation. They might experience academic difficulties or withdrawal from peers.
Teenagers (13–18 years old): Often feel anger, betrayal, or disillusionment with relationships. Teens may become rebellious, depressed, or overly responsible for younger siblings.

Risk Factors for Poor Adjustment

Not all children are equally affected by divorce. Marriage and Family Therapists highlight several factors that influence outcomes:

High-conflict divorces involving frequent arguments or legal battles can increase children’s stress and anxiety.
Parental alienation—when one parent badmouths or manipulates the child against the other—can cause loyalty conflicts and psychological distress.
Lack of stability in housing, schooling, or parental involvement may contribute to a sense of insecurity.

Key Principles MFTs Emphasize for Supporting Children

Reassure Children It’s Not Their Fault

Many children, especially younger ones, internalize the divorce and believe they somehow caused it. Marriage and Family Therapists advise parents to repeatedly reinforce the message, “This is an adult decision. You did nothing wrong.”

Use simple, age-appropriate language to explain that the decision was made by the parents due to their relationship—not because of the child’s behavior.

Maintain Routines and Structure

During a time of uncertainty, structure provides security. Marriage and Family Therapists encourage parents to:

Keep mealtimes, bedtimes, and school routines as consistent as possible.
Use visual schedules for younger children.
Avoid abrupt changes, like moving homes or schools, unless absolutely necessary.

Stability helps children feel that life remains predictable even in the face of change.

Encourage Emotional Expression

Children may struggle to name or share their emotions. Marriage and Family Therapists recommend:

Creating a safe space where kids feel listened to without judgment.
Using books, art, or play to facilitate emotional expression, especially for younger children.
Avoiding the urge to “fix” feelings—simply validate their experiences by saying things like, “It’s okay to feel sad or mad.”

MFTs often use child-centered therapy techniques to support this expression.

The Role of the MFT in Helping Families Through Divorce

Child-Focused Therapy

MFTs use developmentally appropriate techniques such as:

Play therapy to help younger children process emotions.
Cognitive-behavioral strategies to address negative thoughts and behaviors in older children.
Narrative therapy to help children reframe their story in a healthier way.

Marriage and Family Therapists work not only with the child but also with caregivers to reinforce strategies at home.

Family Therapy

Involving the whole family, even post-divorce, can help:

Improve communication between co-parents and children.
Clarify family roles and responsibilities.
Address loyalty conflicts or blended family dynamics.

MFTs create a non-blaming environment where all voices can be heard and understood.

Co-Parenting Counseling

Marriage and Family Therapists support parents in developing a cooperative co-parenting relationship by helping them:

Set healthy boundaries.
Develop consistent parenting rules across households.
Focus on the child’s needs instead of ongoing marital conflicts.

Research shows that effective co-parenting is one of the strongest predictors of children’s long-term adjustment after divorce.

Co-Parenting Do’s and Don’ts

DO:

Communicate respectfully with your co-parent, especially in front of the children.
Share important information about school, health, or emotional changes.
Keep children out of adult issues. They should never be messengers or mediators.

DON’T:

Use your child as a pawn in legal or emotional battles.
Badmouth the other parent. This creates loyalty conflicts and emotional distress.
Disrupt visitation schedules out of spite.

Children benefit when both parents are involved and cooperative, regardless of their personal differences.

Addressing Common Challenges Post-Divorce

Parental Alienation

Marriage and Family Therapists often encounter situations where one parent attempts to alienate the child from the other. This behavior is harmful and can lead to:

Long-term relational distrust.
Identity confusion.
Feelings of guilt and anxiety in the child.

Marriage and Family Therapists work to rebuild the damaged parent-child bond while addressing the alienating behavior in a therapeutic context.

Introducing a New Partner

Introducing a new romantic partner too soon can disrupt a child’s emotional recovery. MFTs recommend:

Waiting until the new relationship is serious and stable.
Having honest, age-appropriate conversations with the child.
Allowing the child to express feelings of loyalty to the other parent without guilt.

Marriage and Family Therapists may include the new partner in therapy if needed, particularly in blended families.

Blended Family Issues

When stepparents and stepsiblings enter the picture, roles and expectations may become unclear. Family therapy can help:

Establish new family rules.
Define stepparent roles.
Address feelings of displacement or jealousy among children.

Marriage and Family Therapists often use structural family therapy techniques to clarify boundaries and improve family cohesion.

Long-Term Support for Children of Divorce

Recognizing Signs of Emotional Distress

Even if a child seems fine initially, delayed responses to divorce can emerge. Parents should watch for:

Withdrawal from friends or activities.
Academic decline.
Physical symptoms like headaches or stomachaches.
Risk-taking behaviors in teens.

Marriage and Family Therapists can provide periodic check-ins to monitor adjustment over time.

Encouraging Healthy Relationship Models

Children of divorced parents may develop fears about love, commitment, or conflict. Through therapy, MFTs help children:

Understand that conflict does not equal failure.
Learn communication and coping skills.
Build a positive vision of healthy relationships.

Marriage and Family Therapists also work with parents to model respectful, effective communication even if they’re no longer partners.

When to Seek Therapy

Therapy is recommended when:

A child exhibits signs of depression, anxiety, or behavioral issues.
There’s ongoing parental conflict.
A blended family is struggling to integrate.

Early intervention leads to better outcomes and helps prevent long-term psychological effects.

Final Thoughts: What MFTs Want Every Divorcing Parent to Know

Divorce doesn’t have to break a child. While it’s undeniably a difficult process, with the right support, children can emerge resilient, emotionally aware, and secure. Marriage and Family Therapists want parents to know that:

Your relationship with your child is more important than your relationship with your ex.
How you handle the divorce has a greater impact than the divorce itself.
Therapy is not a last resort—it’s a proactive way to nurture healing.

Parents who approach divorce with empathy, cooperation, and a child-centered mindset create a foundation for growth—not just survival—for the whole family.

Dr. Randi Fredricks, Ph.D.

Author Bio

Dr. Randi Fredricks is a leading expert in the field of mental health counseling and psychotherapy, with over three decades of experience in both research and practice. She holds a PhD from The Institute of Transpersonal Psychology and has published ground-breaking research on communication, mental health, and complementary and alternative medicine. Dr. Fredricks is a best-selling author of books on the treatment of mental health conditions with complementary and alternative medicine. Her work has been featured in leading academic journals and is recognized worldwide. She currently is actively involved in developing innovative solutions for treating mental health. To learn more about Dr. Fredricks’ work, visit her website: https://drrandifredricks.com

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Helping Kids Cope with Divorce: What MFTs Want Parents to Know